This is a special dedication post to an ex, simply because I feel EMO! This blog has become so depressing and such a personal diary, I should just stop with the negativity and blog about the happy times in my life. Either way, let this be the last one (hopefully)!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
This is a way back play back, simply because the ex and I had broken up a year and a half ago. Yes, it's only been a year and a half but it feels like FIVE! I must admit that this guy hurt me the most. 99% of the times I suffer a breakup, I am usually the trouble maker that suggests it and then regrets it... Well nothing new here, but this one didn't want me back, and I never moved on. The more pathetic part is, we only went out for three months, struggled another two contemplating if we should get back together, then ended it at the end of five months, but I will never ever forget the words that he said to me that night.
Our Story...
♥ Met this guy from a friend of a friend
♥ Hooked-up within a week
♥ He was smart, average looking, and family was well-off
♥ At the time, he was ending a "fwb" (friends with benefits)
♥ Our relationship was amazing (at least that was what I thought)
♥ He decided to smoke weed again as our relationship continued
♥ I asked him to quit while allowing him the option of doing it if he couldn't hold it because I didn't want him to lie to me about it
♥ Weed began to be his top priority; stayed out late, woke up late, all he wanted to do was weed
♥ Arguments and expectations arose
♥ I finally pulled the plug when he did not want to spend our "3 months" with me, instead, he wanted to play video games at his friends house
♥ I told him he has no emotions and that he was like a rock. I said, "we're breaking up, yet you have nothing to say! You're not even sad". He said "Just because I don't show it, doesn't mean I am not sad. I have to go, my friends are outside."
♥ I sent long text messages and numerous phone calls afterwards to try to reconcile, no replies.
♥ A few days later, I told him on msn that I wanted to talk things out whenever he was ready
♥ A few weeks later, we decided to go on a shopping spree to New York. The main idea really was to patch things up... The trip was great, but not when we got back to Canada
♥ Things fell apart once again, we argued because he didn't call me or reply my texts
♥ Our last convo as a couple; I asked him if he was happy with me, he replied yes. At the time, I couldn't understand what the problem between us was.
♥ The next morning I looked out my window. I will never forget the sight of that exact sunshine shining into my room, then it clicked; he wasn't lying, he was still happy with me, but he simply no longer cared if I was happy with him anymore.
♥ The break-up was trecherous, my entire world fell apart, but I knew I couldn't let my grades drop, so I focused every last bit of my energy into studying for my finals, I achieved A's.
♥ A few months later, he called me and we began staying up late nights talking on the phone again
♥ He asked me out again and we said we would "try" to maike things work. I was so afraid of getting hurt, how can someone turn change so quickly and into a stranger? But I am a sucker, so I said yes right away (I really should have waited)
♥ TWO DAYS LATER, I suggested that we break up again
♥ I wrote him an essay-long private message on Facebook and that was THE END
Since then, I have dated numerous other guys. I cannot really express the emptiness that I feel inside, but you know what I mean. I feel extremely tired searching and searching, but for some reason... I still fail to stop. I have realized that I have grown and matured so much, and become so analytical of men. I seek, and I try to open up my heart, but I simply can't stop myself from holding back, and that is when the relationship fails.
♥ Within a month, he went back to his "fwb" that he left for me prior to the relationship
♥ Up until today, they are still together.
After the miserable break-up we remained friends. He was really happy that I managed to accept him as a friend after however much he has hurt me, but now that I think about it, it was a bad idea to play the nice-girl because when I let him back into my life, he subtly hurt me more bit by bit. It feels like the more I discover about his life with the new grilfriend, the more the little jabs prick onto my heart. I was rest assured that I was over and through with this guy. My friends always ask me, "are you over him? Would you get back with him if he asked for you back? Do you still have feelings for him?" My firm reply has always been a "no", but deep inside, I am stuck in denial, waiting for someone to pull me out and back into reality; I can hear my heart calling "Someone please come by quick and replace him and his bitter sweet memories".
Why does he have to haunt me even after we broke up? There were nights when he would message me on MSN and ask me how I've been; wanting to dig in on my love life or nosy about the guys that I take pictures with on Facebook. There are also nights when he would ask me to come over and "watch a movie", but I reject his "smoooth" booty calls. Then there's those nights when he would call me to chat or I would call him to chat because I am way intoxicated over my dear mind. And how could I forget those night when he would tell me that his mother actually didn't like me; as much as she would invite me here and include me there. He says, "She actually likes Celine better, because ya' know...There were nights when you would come over drunk and stuff", oh yeah, the nights when I was invited to your friends' parties and drink for you...Those nights?
The part that bothers me the most about this ex is the fact that he "didn't want a relationship; just wanted to be alone" because I was TOO clingy and did not approve of his drug habits, YET, this girl he is dating now is ten times worse. He tells me how if he doesn't check-in every hour, she gets mad, if they do not see each other for a day - she gets upset, AND he "quit" both weed AND cigarettes for her. This witch does not even let him eat fast food, fatty foods, or foods with high sodium (due to his poor kidney) because she does not like him fat??? I seriously do not understand how I lost to her.
My friend keeps telling me "Don't worry hun, it's his lost", but really... Tell me a million times, it doesn't mean a thing, because in reality, I LOST.
My latest update from him is, he is going to brng Celine to Hong Kong with him on his vacation because she has never been. His career ambitions varied from being a lawyer; making it to law school, to being a cop, to now looking forward to taking over his step father's accounting firm. He said his step father is getting old, and that is his wish for him. I asked, "what about Celine?", "Well, she would eventually come back with me and probabaly do an admin job at the firm", "Oh...So...That means you guys are planning to get married...? Are you ready for that? Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?", "Well...I don't know... But I don't really have any reason not to marry her." My heart was then shattered to a million pieces and was never able to be re-puzzled.
I clicked into his Facebook a few weeks ago, I found a wall post from Celine:
♥ Hooked-up within a week
♥ He was smart, average looking, and family was well-off
♥ At the time, he was ending a "fwb" (friends with benefits)
♥ Our relationship was amazing (at least that was what I thought)
♥ He decided to smoke weed again as our relationship continued
♥ I asked him to quit while allowing him the option of doing it if he couldn't hold it because I didn't want him to lie to me about it
♥ Weed began to be his top priority; stayed out late, woke up late, all he wanted to do was weed
♥ Arguments and expectations arose
♥ I finally pulled the plug when he did not want to spend our "3 months" with me, instead, he wanted to play video games at his friends house
♥ I told him he has no emotions and that he was like a rock. I said, "we're breaking up, yet you have nothing to say! You're not even sad". He said "Just because I don't show it, doesn't mean I am not sad. I have to go, my friends are outside."
♥ I sent long text messages and numerous phone calls afterwards to try to reconcile, no replies.
♥ A few days later, I told him on msn that I wanted to talk things out whenever he was ready
♥ A few weeks later, we decided to go on a shopping spree to New York. The main idea really was to patch things up... The trip was great, but not when we got back to Canada
♥ Things fell apart once again, we argued because he didn't call me or reply my texts
♥ Our last convo as a couple; I asked him if he was happy with me, he replied yes. At the time, I couldn't understand what the problem between us was.
♥ The next morning I looked out my window. I will never forget the sight of that exact sunshine shining into my room, then it clicked; he wasn't lying, he was still happy with me, but he simply no longer cared if I was happy with him anymore.
♥ The break-up was trecherous, my entire world fell apart, but I knew I couldn't let my grades drop, so I focused every last bit of my energy into studying for my finals, I achieved A's.
♥ A few months later, he called me and we began staying up late nights talking on the phone again
♥ He asked me out again and we said we would "try" to maike things work. I was so afraid of getting hurt, how can someone turn change so quickly and into a stranger? But I am a sucker, so I said yes right away (I really should have waited)
♥ TWO DAYS LATER, I suggested that we break up again
♥ I wrote him an essay-long private message on Facebook and that was THE END
Since then, I have dated numerous other guys. I cannot really express the emptiness that I feel inside, but you know what I mean. I feel extremely tired searching and searching, but for some reason... I still fail to stop. I have realized that I have grown and matured so much, and become so analytical of men. I seek, and I try to open up my heart, but I simply can't stop myself from holding back, and that is when the relationship fails.
♥ Within a month, he went back to his "fwb" that he left for me prior to the relationship
♥ Up until today, they are still together.
After the miserable break-up we remained friends. He was really happy that I managed to accept him as a friend after however much he has hurt me, but now that I think about it, it was a bad idea to play the nice-girl because when I let him back into my life, he subtly hurt me more bit by bit. It feels like the more I discover about his life with the new grilfriend, the more the little jabs prick onto my heart. I was rest assured that I was over and through with this guy. My friends always ask me, "are you over him? Would you get back with him if he asked for you back? Do you still have feelings for him?" My firm reply has always been a "no", but deep inside, I am stuck in denial, waiting for someone to pull me out and back into reality; I can hear my heart calling "Someone please come by quick and replace him and his bitter sweet memories".
Why does he have to haunt me even after we broke up? There were nights when he would message me on MSN and ask me how I've been; wanting to dig in on my love life or nosy about the guys that I take pictures with on Facebook. There are also nights when he would ask me to come over and "watch a movie", but I reject his "smoooth" booty calls. Then there's those nights when he would call me to chat or I would call him to chat because I am way intoxicated over my dear mind. And how could I forget those night when he would tell me that his mother actually didn't like me; as much as she would invite me here and include me there. He says, "She actually likes Celine better, because ya' know...There were nights when you would come over drunk and stuff", oh yeah, the nights when I was invited to your friends' parties and drink for you...Those nights?
The part that bothers me the most about this ex is the fact that he "didn't want a relationship; just wanted to be alone" because I was TOO clingy and did not approve of his drug habits, YET, this girl he is dating now is ten times worse. He tells me how if he doesn't check-in every hour, she gets mad, if they do not see each other for a day - she gets upset, AND he "quit" both weed AND cigarettes for her. This witch does not even let him eat fast food, fatty foods, or foods with high sodium (due to his poor kidney) because she does not like him fat??? I seriously do not understand how I lost to her.
My friend keeps telling me "Don't worry hun, it's his lost", but really... Tell me a million times, it doesn't mean a thing, because in reality, I LOST.
My latest update from him is, he is going to brng Celine to Hong Kong with him on his vacation because she has never been. His career ambitions varied from being a lawyer; making it to law school, to being a cop, to now looking forward to taking over his step father's accounting firm. He said his step father is getting old, and that is his wish for him. I asked, "what about Celine?", "Well, she would eventually come back with me and probabaly do an admin job at the firm", "Oh...So...That means you guys are planning to get married...? Are you ready for that? Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?", "Well...I don't know... But I don't really have any reason not to marry her." My heart was then shattered to a million pieces and was never able to be re-puzzled.
I clicked into his Facebook a few weeks ago, I found a wall post from Celine:
When I read it, the first thing that popped into my head was "OMG, JUST GET MARRIED AND GO DIE TOGETHER ALREADY!", and I stand by this thought.
I feel so extremely jealous that I am not the one going to Hong Kong, I am not the one typing that wall post, and most of all...the fact that they managed to maintain the relationship longer than ours.
When I expressed to him my jealousy, he told me not to be upset, he said that he was happy when he was with me because he was able to be himself, whereas now, he has to lie about many things such as smoking. He told me what we had was special and I remained silent. What he doesn't know is that he has made me into such a promiscuous bitch, searching around for someone like him or better than him, someone that is able to make me as happy as I was when I was with him. And here...I admit it, I'm not over him.
Something my friend had sent me over Facebook. This is exactly... What happened.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” ♥
I feel so extremely jealous that I am not the one going to Hong Kong, I am not the one typing that wall post, and most of all...the fact that they managed to maintain the relationship longer than ours.
When I expressed to him my jealousy, he told me not to be upset, he said that he was happy when he was with me because he was able to be himself, whereas now, he has to lie about many things such as smoking. He told me what we had was special and I remained silent. What he doesn't know is that he has made me into such a promiscuous bitch, searching around for someone like him or better than him, someone that is able to make me as happy as I was when I was with him. And here...I admit it, I'm not over him.
Something my friend had sent me over Facebook. This is exactly... What happened.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” ♥
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